


The Force's bad day

by White_Ithiliel



Series: Space trash bin [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Afterlife, Arguing Jedi Masters, Female Living Force, Gen, Lots of caff, Male Unifying Force, Near breakdown, Not so calm Jedi Masters, Personified Force, Qui-Gon does NOT follow the Will of the Force, Separated aspects of the Force, Tea, The Force needs a day off, Twi'Lek Chosen One, Yelling, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 16:11:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10166822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/White_Ithiliel/pseuds/White_Ithiliel
Summary: If someone had asked the Force what was Its definition of a bad day, It would have answered something in the lines of "a bad day is whenever Qui-Gon Jinn does something stupid" or "a bad day is whenever Qui-Gon Jinn pretends to follow my holy-sacred-and-Almighty-Will while he's just doing whatever the kriffing fuck he wants."Unfortunately for the Force, that tended to happen a lot.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Inkognito97](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkognito97/gifts).



> This fanfiction wouldn't have existed without Inkognito97 (thanks again, by the way ^^), to whom I borrowed some ideas. Actually, it was a discussion we had that decided me to write this. Go on and check "Kin" - our little chat is in the comments :P
> 
> Oh, and please consider that this is a crack fic and therefore is not to be taken seriously. Yes, I am aware that I've butchered the mere concept of the Force, but I regret nothing. It was just too much fun. Oh, and sorry Lucas for playing with your toys *g*

If someone had asked the Force what was Its definition of a bad day, It would have answered something in the lines of "a bad day is whenever Qui-Gon Jinn does something stupid" or "a bad day is whenever Qui-Gon Jinn pretends to follow my holy-sacred-and-Almighty-Will while he's just doing whatever the kriffing fuck he wants."

If someone had asked the Force what or whom could give It a headache, It would undoubtedly have said "Qui-Gon Jinn, the Sith (what a bunch of morons), Anakin Skywalker (even though that little brat isn't even born yet - but hey, I'm the Force, I know everything), Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn, Loth-cats videos on the Holonet, Sapir tea's smell, Qui-Gon Jinn, the Skywalker family in general, the Wilhelm scream, and have I mentioned Qui-Gon Jinn?"

If _anyone_ had asked the Force what was Its biggest problem, It would have hesitated a split second before answering "the Sith" and "Qui-Gon Jinn" at the same time. Yes, the Force could say two things at once.

It was the Force.

The Force could do whatever the heck It wanted.

In theory.

Because yes, in reality there was always _something_ that kept things from going according to the Force's plans. The Force didn't know how it was possible, nor why that something _always_ seemed to be personified by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. All It knew was that this situation was _absolutely_ intolerable and that something had to be done.

If someone had asked the Force why It hadn't tried to kill Qui-Gon Jinn to get rid of that nuisance of a Jedi, The Force would have sighed ruefully and rubbed Its eyes, and answered that nothing had ever worked - Xanatos, bounty hunters, wild Banthas, Gundarks, Yoda's lectures, an angry Tahl, an annoyed Mace, explosions, blasters, poison, droids, exasperated healers, a furious Jocasta Nu, Dooku using his I-taught-you-everything-so-you-owe-me-respect voice (which was boring to death)… Nothing. The stubborn, Rancor spawned Jedi Master always survived.

Of course, if the Force had started complaining about the Jedi Master's luck then It wouldn't have been completely honest, the truth being that It actually rather liked Qui-Gon.

But It would never admit it. Besides, it wasn't the point. The point was, the Force was having one of the worst days EVER, and it was Jinn's fault once more.

The Force was pacing back and forth in Its apartments, watching Qui-Gon being an idiot and holding a giant cup of scalding black caff. Black caff had this strange way to soothe the Force, even though it was always too hot and tasted awful. But at least it wasn't tea - this abominable beverage that most sentients seemed to love. Especially Qui-Gon Jinn.

… Okay, actually the Force used to like tea.

Before Qui-Gon Jinn.

Anyway.

The Force was still pacing, a silent tornado dark with exasperation, fury and exhaustion.

The Living and Unifying aspects of the Force were standing a few feet away from the Force Itself, watching their boss with wide eyes and whispering to each other concernedly. It decided to ignore them. And as their whispers grew louder, It reflected than It should probably never had gave them different personalities. Those two were always being worried about It. "It" was the Force, for kriff's sake! It was binding the Galaxy together, surrounding and penetrating everything, and… Iego's moons! Was It picking up Qui-Gon's lines??

Speaking of the dumbass… If only Jinn could stop being a moron for two seconds! Right now - and that's what was giving the Force Its terrible headache - Jinn was about to be thrown out of the Jedi Order by Mace Windu. Well, not _exactly_ , but Windu seemed to be _really_ pissed, which was never a good thing.

Long story short, Qui-Gon had said something, the Council had said _no_ , Qui-Gon had said _yes_ , Obi-Wan had said _please_ and Mr _I-don't-listen-to-anyone-except-the-Force-or-more-exactly-myself_ had done the thing in question anyway. And the Force couldn't even _remember_ what was the fight all about. All It knew was that Jinn and Windu were yelling by now and ready to Force-choke anyone who would dare come near them. Feemor and Depa were watching from afar, eating popcorn and placing bets, and Obi-Wan apparently wished to die. And was praying the Force.

Hence the Force's headache. Because It couldn't refuse to help Obi-Wan - It had a soft spot for the little Padawan, and as It already knew how fucked his life was going to be, the least It could do was to make his apprenticeship as easy as possible - but at the same time, It didn't know how to calm the two Masters without Its actions being too obvious. It couldn't just make them collapse on the spot, right? Nor could It do nothing.

… On the other hand, watching one of Its two greatest problem being kicked out of the Jedi Order…

No.

It wouldn't let Itself go so far. But _what_ was It supposed to do then?

That's when Unifying chose to speak.

"Do you think that Obi-Wan being suddenly sick would be enough to calm them both?" he asked uncertainly.

If deadly glares could kill immortal Force entities…

" _No one_ touches Obi-Wan" snapped the Force.

There had to be another way to calm these two empty-headed Nexus.

Living suddenly disappeared, much to her friend's surprise and the Force's annoyance.

"What are you doing? We're having an issue here, in case you didn't notice!"

But she was already gone, and the Force resumed Its pacing, occasionally throwing furious glances at the poor Unifying. Now that It thought about it, It shouldn't have given the two entities genders either. Females were always too much of a trouble - Living was the living proof of that (pun intended). Anyway. What was done was done.

And they still didn't know what to do, and Windu and Jinn were still shouting.

_"You are kriffing brainless! No wonder they put you on the Council! You were just perfect for the job!"_

Ah, _that_ was obviously Jinn.

_"Coming from the man who has like zero chance to ever be part of if!"_

_"Well thank the Force for that! At least I won't have to remain sitting for days until I have to stick a broom in my ass in order to stay upright!"_

The Force could hear Unifying's poorly dissimulated snickers. It sighed, rubbing Its eyes and taking a large gulp of hot caff. Kriff. That _hurt_.

_"What?! How dare you?! You are setting a fine example for your Padawan, Jinn! I still don't understand how he can be such a perfect little Jedi with you as Master."_

_"Personally, I call it a miracle."_

_"Shut up Feemor, this is between your half-witted Sithspawn of a former Master and I."_

_"I can't even count on my old Padawan to side with me?! You should be ashamed, Feemor! I think I'm going to repudiate you!"_

_"You wouldn't dare!"_

_"Don't try him Fee. That's a friend's advice."_

_"Thanks Depa but I'll take my chance."_

_"Shut up, both of you! The grown-up are talking, younglings!"_

_"Younglings? Why, you… scruffy looking_ Nerfherder _! I'm a Council Member!"_

_"Well, that's hardly surprising given your IQ."_

_"Jinn, are you insulting both the Council and my old Padawan?!"_

_"Very perceptive of you, Window."_

_"What did you call me?!"_

The Force must stay calm, the Force was calm, the Force was _peace_. Peace was the Force, the Force was Peace. _There is no emotions, there is Peace._ _Right?_ _Right?!_

… And to think Qui-Gon and Mace were among the finest of the Order. How was that even possible? Maybe the Force should leave the Jedi by themselves and go see what the Shamans of the Whills were at to.  

And then Living materialized right in front of It, making It jump in surprise - _It_ didn't _fall on Its bottom, thank you very much_. Living was smirking, obviously pleased with herself.

"It's okay, I fixed it."

The Force arched an eyebrow, dubious.

"If I hear correctly, and I _do_ , they are still shouting."

"Wait for it" she said, grinning like an overfed Sandcat.

And then Tahl suddenly stormed into the Council chambers, where the _Masters_ were already drawing their lightsabers.

_"QUI-GON JINN AND MACE WINDU, WHAT EXACTLY DO THE TWO OF YOU THINK THEY ARE DOING?!"_

And she grabbed their ears and dragged them all the way down to her quarters, despite their heartfelt cries of pain and loud apologies. In the meantime, Depa and Feemor had ended up literally rolling on the floor and possibly dying of laughter, while Obi-Wan was simply massaging his temples, breathing deeply.

Unifying cheered loudly and gave a high five to Living. She smiled smugly and grabbed a glass of muja juice before handing a painkiller to the Force.

"For the headache" she winked, and she walked out of the room.

Unifying fetched himself a coke and and grabbed a datapad. He patted lightly the Force on the shoulder, falsely compassionate, and trailed after his friend, singing merrily - was that the _Song of the two Krayt Dragons_?

… Fitting. Krayt Dragons indeed.

The Force collapsed on the sofa, sighing. It _really_ needed a break.

 

oOo

 

_Several years later._

 

Even Unifying and Living had never seen the Force in such a state. It was pacing once more - nothing to worry about, they were used to that - however this time there were a lot of things severely _off_.

Like the living room looking like a Hutt's house - with empty caff cups, sketchbooks and half eaten sandwiches scattered on the floor - when the Force was such a _clean freak_.

Speaking of said clean freak, the Force was currently muttering strange things to Itself, eyes glazed and expression blank.

The two entities leaned closer, trying to hear what in the blazes their boss was mumbling.

"Humans are stupid, there shouldn't be any humans. They are so stupid. Why couldn't Qui-Gon Jinn be a Twi'lek? Twi'leks are nice, there should be more Twi'leks. Or a Togruta Qui-Gon, _this_ would have been awesome. Or maybe a Korun - but no, Mace is already a Korun; Koruns are butt-headed anyway. Nautolans are fun too, but they are an aquatic species. No, Twi'lek. Twi'lek would have been perfect. I can't stand humans. I should have made a Twi'lek Chosen One instead of Anakin. Or a Noorian. Noorians are awesome, Tahl was a Noorian. Tolothians aren't bad either. Or maybe…"

Living gripped Unifying's arm and squeezed painfully, which made him hiss in protest.

"What is It _doing_??" she whispered, horrified.

"I don't know," answered her friend, equally appalled.

"Maybe It's having a breakdown?"

"Can The Force have a breakdown?"

"I... don't know. _What_ provoked this?"

"I think it's Jinn."

"Wait, _again_?!"

The Force was still oblivious to Its aspects' fearful murmurs. It was apparently trying to dig a hole through the floor, walking in a perfect circle, never stopping.

"Seriously. I gave the man _one_ job. _One_. And he _enjoyed_ that job. What's wrong with him anyway?? I don't get it! I thought he loved Obi-Wan! _Why_ in the _Sith-hells_ would he want _Skywalker_ as his Padawan?! Wait, what is he doing? _WHAT_?!? No, don't you dare say this is _my_ Will, Jinn! I _never_ asked you to… Wait, what the heck?! Whaaaaat?! Aw, COME ON!! I can't _believe it_!! I'm gonna…"

Living and Unifying actually fled, running faster than they ever had.

This was bad, this was _really_ bad! The Force had never acted like that, not even that time when Qui-Gon had been badly injured during a mission and It had tried to figure out whether it was better to let him die or save him.

Obi-Wan had won, of course.

Even though he didn't know it.

What a naive child - _no, little one, your Master's recovery wasn't_ exactly _the Will of the Force; more like the Very Reluctant Intervention of the Force_. _Believe me, I know what I'm talking about._

Anyway.

Living and Unifying were still hiding from their slightly crazy boss when _it_ happened. They both felt it. They both saw it. They both heard Obi-Wan's scream. They both watched their boss' face turn white. They all wept.

They knew it was going to happen - they knew everything. But that had never stopped them from denying it, shoving that knowledge in a dark corner their awareness.

Unifying decided to cautiously withdraw from Obi-Wan's connection with the Force for a time, unwilling to bring back painful memories or visions. Living wrapped herself around the young boy like a warm blanket, made of love, light, peace and safety.

And they all waited for Qui-Gon's soul and Force-presence to meddle into the eternal Light, becoming one with the Force for eternity and beyond.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And Living, who - just like her favorite Jedi Master - had a relatively short patience and - just like… well probably everybody in the Galaxy - a tendency to eat whenever she was stressed of grieving, decided to go grab herself a cup of Sapir tea - much to the Force's dismay.

She opened the kitchen's door…

… And came face to face with Qui-Gon Jinn.

Even immortal Force entities could have natural reactions. Like screaming. _Loud_.

That didn't seem to faze Qui-Gon, who was leaning against the table, looking far younger than he was when he died - he actually looked like he was in his early twenties - a cup of - who would have guessed? - Sapir tea in his hand and a Sandcat's grin on his face.

"Hello there."

The Force and Unifying chose that moment to appear. And they screamed.

Qui-Gon had figured out a way to 'return' from the dead. _That_ bit of knowledge too, they had apparently tried to erased from their common consciousness a while ago. Perhaps they shouldn't have.

When the Force learned that Qui-Gon was planning on staying - for eternity, mind you - It went in Its bedroom and slammed the door shut before hiding under Its bed in a fetal position. It stayed there for two weeks, unmoving, almost catatonic, and it took all of Living's charms and Unifying's persuasion to make It get out of there and behave like It was supposed to.

But as the Force discovered soon enough, twenty-two years old dead Qui-Gon Jinn was _far_ easier to deal with than his sixty years old living counterpart. Thanks goodness he hadn't come here as his old self. Jinn being dead, it wasn't possible to kill him, and the Force being the Force and therefore immortal, It couldn't kill Itself either…

At least now they could have fun together, the four of them playing pranks on unsuspecting Jedi - Mace being the main target - and totally suspecting Sith - how _gratifying_ to watch Sidious curse both the Force and Qui-Gon and swear to get revenge! They also drank a lot of tea - even the Force liked it now - and watched Holovids until dawn.

The only thing able to make them sad was Obi-Wan's life - which was getting more and more fucked up as the years passed.

But even that didn't last forever - well, it still lasted _far too long_ in everyone's opinion - and one day _little Obi_ found himself shaking and crying into Qui-Gon's arms, as the Force, Living and Unifying discreetly wiped away some tears of their own.

In short, everything was okay for them even though Anakin was still doing some shit somewhere in the Galaxy.

Right now, the Force was sprawled in Its favorite sofa, a glass of orange juice in one hand and a datapad in the other. It was reading some heroic fantasy novel called the Lord of the Rings, and thought It liked it, It couldn't help but think It should be doing something a little more productive. Like helping Luke. Or keeping an eye on that _misbegotten son of Its_ , namely Mr Skywalker Sr.

But procrastination, laziness and sloth weren't easy things to overcome, and It stayed on Its sofa a long time. Doing nothing felt so _good_!

That's when Yoda showed up.

The Force stayed under Its bed a whole month.

 

oOo

 

The day when _he_ arrived, they were all six of them watching the latest Star Trek Holomovie, complaining that the old HoloTV show was better.

The Force had begrudgingly forgiven Qui-Gon for teaching Yoda how to become a Force-ghost, but It was still a little grumpy and ate a lot to calm Its nerves. It was the Force after all. The Force couldn't get fat.

But then, they felt _the shift_. Sidious had just died.

"Please! Tell us you didn't teach _him_ how to do it!" exclaimed Living and Unifying at the same time, seriously worried by Qui-Gon's smug expression.

Qui-Gon shook his head, wearing an innocent smile.

"Me? Teaching a Dark Lord of the Sith how to regain his identity after his passing? I would never do such a thing."

The Force narrowed Its eyes, suspicious, but was forced (pun intended) to recognize that the former Jedi Master wasn't lying. It was already relaxing when a second shift happened.

And the next second, Anakin Skywalker was standing in the living room, slightly confused but apparently delighted.

"Hello, Obi-Wan! Hello Master Qui-Gon! Looks like it worked, just like you said!"

The Force actually chased Jinn around the whole house for an entire day, yelling and Force-throwing cushions and pillows at Its _biggest problem_.

All the others were laughing, except for Anakin, who still couldn't begin to understand why his skin had suddenly turned blue and why twin headtails had sprouted from his skull. The only explanation they gave him was that "the Force prefered Twi'Leks anyway".

**Author's Note:**

> I know "caff" is actually written "caf" but hey! This is fiction! I like "caff" better anyway x)


End file.
